Everyone has to deal with angry emails. Whether you received one and need to respond, or you are wanting to send one, here’s how to do it the right way!
Imagine you complimented a colleague directly on work well done.
Imagine your boss found out about it.
Then, imagine you get a message like this from your manager:
Marissa, Communicate your feelings about team members to their leaders and NOT to them directly. You are known to promote and “dis” people directly and it is a bad model. You are to provide input to leadership and not direct feedback to people that you do not manage.
How would you feel if you received a message like this from your manager? Are you listening to her message, or getting defensive about the vitriol of her feedback?
Share difficult topics professionally.
When writing in high conflict, or tough situations, where you don’t want your message to be misconstrued as a “personal attack,” use the BIFF model. That is:
BRIEF
INFORMATIVE
FRIENDLY
FIRM
BIFF was designed by Psychologist Randi Kreger, discussed in her book Biff: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns
Let’s look at each piece, and see how Marissa’s boss could have done a much better job. Then we’ll see how she might respond.
Brief
Keep your response brief. The longer you write, and the more words your message consumes, the more difficult it will be for the reader to get your key point.
Keeping it brief will ensure you don’t get into a long back and forth on email.
In this case, Marissa’s boss made the note quite brief. I’d actually call it terse; we’ll get to that point later.
Informative
When you send, or respond to, a difficult email, be sure you are sticking with facts. Not observations. Not conclusions you are erroneously drawing. Not assumptions you are making about someone’s intentions. Not generalities.
Don’t use the message to throw around insults, be sarcastic or invoke threats.
Marissa’s boss said:
“You are known to promote and ‘dis’ people directly and it is a bad model.”
There are no facts in that statement, and in fact it sounds like a poor conclusion, or a feedback with no specific actions or evidence that Marissa can act on. The manager doesn’t ask whether Marissa has contacted Ted’s manager.
These kinds of statements hardly ever help people make a discovery that leads to positive personal change.
More than likely Marissa will comply with the request out of intimidation or fear. Or she could simmer about it. What could have been a great learning experience is lost.
Friendly
This one’s simple: you catch more flies with honey.
People are more likely to listen to you if your tone implies empathy and respect rather than antagonism.
This doesn’t mean be disingenuous. It means be emotionally neutral, with a twist of assuming good intentions are in play.
For Marissa, her boss might have said something like:
Hi Marissa,
I appreciate how you acknowledged Ted’s contributions in that email chain earlier. I know he values your feedback.
Please also connect with his manager directly when you have feedback about his work.
Can you see how drastically that message differs from the original message? Which are you more inclined to listen to?
Firm
What you don’t want is a string of emails that goes on ad nauseam without a clear resolution. It does not mean you have to agree. You do want to avoid a protracted discussion that serves no higher purpose.
Clarify your statement or position, and then close the conversation. Don’t invite them to disagree with you. Simply close confidently and completely.
I know you and Ted have disagreed on things in the past. We had that escalation in June when Ted felt your criticism was particularly harsh.
It’s good for his manager to hear from you first, on both the upside and the downside, so your feedback can help with coaching and positive reinforcement.
Thank you for supporting the team this way!
You can see this doesn’t invite a debate. It’s factual, and it’s a firm expectation setting that doesn’t leave a lot of room for back and forth.
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Responding to a flaming email
Marissa can use the BIFF principles when responding to the email as well. Let’s look at how she could do that as well. This assumes she responds in email rather than popping in to her manager’s office and having a conversation.
Hi Andrea,
Thanks for your note and the reminder to provide feedback through Ted’s boss.
We did have that dust-up in June and I want to be sure he knows my intentions are to support him in his work, and, deliver what we need to customers.
Since he’s a critical part of our work stream, I’ll be sure to work with his manager to ensure the feedback is received and documented appropriately.
Thanks,
Marissa
- Brief: it’s short, sweet and to the point.
- Informative: she acknowledges Ted’s role, the prior issue, and her intent to correct.
- Friendly: It’s not antagonistic nor does it criticize Andrea’s poorly delivered message; it reinforces her commitment to the team.
- Firm: Marissa states a clear commitment to action and doesn’t argue about why it would be good to do things another way.
Marissa was quite angry when she received Andrea’s note. She could have taken this opportunity to rip into her for being such a poor manager. Knowing that would be of little service to anyone, she instead took a deep breath and re-routed her frustration.
Working for what Kreger calls a “high-conflict personality” brings a unique set of challenges. As always, focus on what you can control to help manage your own stress when these situations come up.
Action for this week:
Let me know how you’ll use BIFF this week to tackle a situation that’s frustrating you! If you’re in the Job Success Lab, bring your questions to the Office Hours call, and we’ll get them answered for you!