If you wonder “why can’t everyone be like me?” you are probably doing yourself more harm than good. Here’s what to do instead.
All the people like us are We, And every one else is They.
– Rudyard Kipling
Have you ever wondered how you can lower your stress level?
If so, I have good news for you. You can, with this one simple tip: Stop wanting other people to be different from how they are!
I had a couple of good reminders this week working with clients who, well, wanted people to be more like them.
They met with great resistance, frustration and in one case, a very broken case of confidence.
Although we may think that’s an easy fix to our workplace (and life) situations, the problem is it isn’t a very effective one. After all, wishing doesn’t make it so.
In addition to creating more stress, thinking “why can’t everyone be like me” also creates more work for you.
Let me ask you, have you ever taken something on because you figured the other person wouldn’t do it the way you would?
Have you ever spent time re-doing, or fixing someone else’s work – whether it needed fixing or not?
Have you ever spent energy fuming because something didn’t happen the way YOU wanted it to?
Instead of wanting others to bend to your will, use other tools in your professional kit to better understand, relate to, and work with others.
What are we really trying to accomplish?
When you want someone to be like you, ask yourself what the real issue is. Are you debating the end game – the result or the outcome? Or is it the way you want the outcome accomplished.
I’ve found that we spend a lot of time debating the “how” of doing something. But really, if you’re clear on the purpose of the work, and the desired outcome you want to achieve, maybe you can spend a lot less energy on the “how.”
Instead of thinking they didn’t do it the way you would, test to see if the agreed upon outcome has been achieved. If yes, reframe how you see the mechanics of doing it. It may not be as elegant as you would have done it, but focus on results.
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What is this person’s style, and how is it different from mine?
As a self-awareness freak, I’m hyper-conscious of how I show up, and the differences between other people and myself.
All my clients complete a StrengthsFinder assessment before we work together. It says so much about how you work, what you’re good at, and how to complement your strong suit with those of others. There are numerous other style and typology assessments you may find helpful as well. All good.
Then, when we start talking about differentials in the workplace, we go right to a conversation about how that other person has different strengths, needs, fears, styles, and expectations than my client.
Marilyn is a real driver of a manager; someone who’s been very successful and received accolades for her work by getting things done. Jason her employee, however, has core strength in creating high quality, technically perfect solutions, and his energy is fed when he’s given free rein to run and lead a project.
So, Marilyn’s “command and control” dictatorial style clashed with Jason’s desire to run independently to deliver results.
He did not thrive with someone who treats him more like an order-taker than a leader, and it was stressing both of them out. Marilyn wanted Jason to get over his issues and adjust to accommodate her style. But he was simply wilting and losing confidence under her regime.
As a good manager, Marilyn needed to figure out how to better play to Jason’s strengths. Not to rework him in her own image or tell him to change, but to figure out how they could balance each other out, honoring their differences, and still get the work done.
Once we acknowledge that, and dig into it a little, we can work on the “how” of better collaboration, divert away from the “why aren’t they like me” conversation, and shift into solutions.
What are the questions I need to ask here?
One of the most underrated yet effective tool in any career skillset is inquiry. I believe questions are an antidote for a plethora of workplace – and life – conundrums.
Why?
Because questions make you shift from being solely in your perspective, to engaging with the viewpoints of those around you. Questions set an intention to look at situations through a different lens.
And they don’t need to be technically challenging questions. They can be questions that help redirect your own thinking or shift a conversation to an entirely different level. For example:
- What assumptions am I making about this person, or this situation?
- Am I dealing with facts, or am I drawing conclusions based on observations I’m making?
- What are my own fears and concerns in this situation?
- What’s important to the other person?
- What are we both “for?”
- What is the other person’s perception, of this situation?
- What’s important to them about this?
- What do they need here? What do they fear?
Questions like these take you out of biased thinking, and into transparency. Transparency – of motive, thinking, and assumptions – is a catalyst for better interpersonal solutions in any situation.
So the next time you find yourself thinking, “Why can’t they be more like me…?” Stop, and figure out how to use these three strategies to redirect your energy into a much more productive conversation.