I just got off a coaching call with a new client. In a delightful call with Cynthia, we isolated specific actions she could take to resolve an issue with her manager.
It was yet another reminder, and a perfect example of, avoiding difficult situations in the workplace.
Here’s the story.
When I asked Cynthia how I could help her during our time together, she said she needed help taking feedback more constructively. Ok that seems like a pretty direct, and resolvable, issue.
However, as I got more of the scoop, I discovered a much different issue of a much larger magnitude.
Her issue with feedback was a symptom of a dysfunctional situation. It was less about how she accepted feedback. It was much more about an important conversation she needed to have with a supervisory stakeholder.
This stakeholder was publicly critical, dismissive, and lacked specificity in the goals he assigned, as well as the feedback he gave. And, he hadn’t dispensed any merit increase to Cynthia in numerous review cycles. Others in the office had received raises.
In fact at one point she said, “I think he (the stakeholder) would prefer I didn’t work here.” Say what now?
The worst part?
Cynthia’s mental and physical health was ravaged. She’d gained far too much weight, had trouble sleeping, and felt a constant wave of anxious nausea and stress when she was at work.
She dreaded (and avoided) having a clarifying conversation with this person, after years of this behavior.
She was paying the price.
And it just wasn’t worth the price she was paying.
When I asked what prevented her from bringing this up with the stakeholder, she started crying. She didn’t think she could get through a conversation without breaking down.
Wow, what organizations and the people in them can do to us!
This is a classic case of why you MUST learn how to have difficult conversations professionally and constructively.
When you avoid these conversations, as Cynthia keenly demonstrated, you build more anxiety and stress, make assumptions that may not even be true, and do a job on your physical health in the meantime.
We designed a conversation.
To begin resolving her situation we talked through some of the specifics going on in her work and how she could improve them.
Then, I helped Cynthia design a conversation to address the issues with her stakeholder.
In this design we included:
- An introduction that laid out the purpose and objective of the conversation.
- Questions designed to get to the intentions behind the actions she’d observed.
- Techniques for visualizing, listening, and speaking to make her delivery more effective and build her confidence.
- Techniques to engage the stakeholder as equally invested in the outcomes of the organization, rather than as intimidating superior.
- Practice techniques to prepare for the question techniques and follow-up conversation.
- Fundamental meeting management techniques to summarize decisions and actions.
Will this be a piece of cake for Cynthia?
Probably not.
Will it be better than breaking down in tears, gaining more weight and feeling “less than” in her workplace? YES.
Her conversation may not go perfectly. But it will give her what she needs: Clarity, feedback, and direction on action she can take to resolve this situation.
At the very least she will know where she stands. And she’ll let go of the stories she’s making up in her head and lower her stress level.
It takes courage to have this kind of conversation.
It can be stressful and intimidating to have it. But it is also EMPOWERING and confidence-building when you do.
For sure, it’s far more stressful if you don’t.
So, when you have the conversations you dread, you’ll not only release your anxiety and get more satisfaction, you’ll be working The Positive Shift!
Action for you this week: What conversations are you avoiding? What’s the impact of not having them? Leave a comment here and share what’s going on with you!
Action for you this week: What change are you resisting, and why? Leave a comment and share how you are handling it!
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