Stop Being So Hard On Yourself: 4 Steps To Change It Up

^{[Updated September 2019]}

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Each time you judge yourself you break your own heart.

– Bapuji

Do you ever have days where you need to read that little piece of inspiration? Do you spend a fair amount of time breaking your own heart?

It’s timely for me, because over the past couple of weeks I’ve worked with clients who have unleashed some very unkind words on themselves.

It’s natural and necessary to reflect on experiences and identify opportunities to improve. It makes no sense, however, to pour such serious buzz kill on your own psyche and be so hard on yourself.

I’m such an idiot.
I’ll probably never get that right.
I can’t believe what a screw up I am.

Would you ever make those statements to others? Probably not. So why would you inflict them on yourself?

What you focus on grows.

When you focus on these negative self-ideals, you’re feeding and reinforcing them.

Then, you get these nasty side effects:

You tend to believe what you say! If you say, “I’ll never get this right!” you most likely won’t.

You create anxiety and stress because you’re focused on what’s wrong with you, rather than what’s right with you.

You telegraph to others the message that you don’t believe in yourself. How confident will they be in you?

None of these consequences will help you make positive shifts you need at work, get what you want in life, or take you closer to your achieving your goals.

As adults, we learn through reflecting on our experiences. Reflection is a good process. When your reflection turns into a self-criticism fest, though, it likely isn’t serving your ability to learn.

When you hear yourself ranting at you, stop and ask yourself:

How is this in service of my learning?
How is this making me better at what I do?
How is this making me more helpful to others or taking me closer to my goals?

Chances are, it’s not.

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Change it up.

When you’re in the workplace trying to change outcomes, build better relationships, and tackle difficult situations, you need every constructive tool at your disposal.

If you struggle with negative self-talk and are hard on yourself, take these steps to make a Positive Shift:

Decide: Make a decision, and a commitment, to change this thought pattern.
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Observe: Start observing each time you do it. Being aware of your behavior is the first step to changing it.
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Record: Get a notebook. When you have a negative thought notice, write it down, and let it go.
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Shift: Once you begin seeing your patterns, develop more compassionate thoughts and replace the negative with positive ones. For example, when tempted to say, “I’m such an idiot,” stop, notice, and shift. Instead, say, “I did my best on that and I can see where I will make an improvement next time.” Or, “If I practice that 5 or 10 more times, I’ll be much better at it.”

Challenge yourself to create this positive shift in your life. And, give yourself time to take imperfect action and practice.

Maybe the first week it’s hard and frustrating. But keep going.

The second week will be easier.

By week three, notice how you feel when you turn those thoughts, and words, around. Record that in your journal and you’ll see the progress you are making since the day you begin tracking this nasty self talk.

And if you know someone who needs to hear this message, please share it with them.