The single most important thing [you can do] is to shift [your] internal stance from “I understand” to “Help me understand.” Everything else follows from that.
– Douglas Stone
My client Marisa called me this week quite upset. She and her manager had disagreed on a significant issue. Her manager didn’t handle it very well with regard to the feedback he delivered and how he delivered it.
Marisa was a bit distressed, and not surprisingly, filled with anxiety. Based on her view of the events, it sounded like the manager could have indeed handled the situation better.
She drafted a lengthy email she planned to send to the manager, and wanted me to review it.
I agreed to review it. But not so she could send the email.
This was not an email-worthy situation.
This was a conversation that needed to happen. Voice to voice.
Because she was emotional about the situation, her letter was filled with defensive statements that sounded emotional, and that included a number of assumptions about her manager’s intentions.
In addition to helping her reframe her language and perspective, we designed a conversation for her to have with her manager instead.
These conversations are not always easy, but they are a much more direct, and in the long term, less stressful way to resolution.
When you use email, you hit that send button. And then what? You sit, waiting, for that ding to send you a return message, and then your stomach lurches and who knows what waits on the other side.
The non-interactive nature of email can often be more stressful. You have no control over the timeline. That email could come in a minute, or three days. In the interim there you sit, waiting, and worrying. There’s absolutely no need for that.
We designed a conversation.
My client sat down with her manager and had a professional, well-designed conversation we had planned. She was clear about her objectives, the questions she wanted to discuss, and how she would share what she needed from her manager.
Her manager admitted he mishandled parts of the process and that, in fact, he knew he needed to work on it.
As a result, they have a much richer, more constructive dialogue, than if they had stayed on the email path. She feels a thousand percent better, they both know what they need to work on, and they have a better relationship because of it.
This week your challenge is to think about those conversations you’d rather avoid. But instead you hide behind email.
Think about these things:
- What conversations are you hiding behind email rather than having?
- Is that taking you closer to, or further from, your goals?
- What alternatives the email back-and-forth will you explore this week?
Communication Challenge #2: Don’t hide behind email. Have the conversation.
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